September 25 2016
I can hear “Wild” by Jessie J playing in the background. I reach to switch off the alarm in my phone. Groaning I try to search for it.
I hear the door click and my mother walk in. “Wake up Jay, or else you’ll be late for work. Would you like some coffee?” she says. Mornings at my home are chaotic. Me trying not to run late, the pressure cooker screaming and my mother solely handling everything. I have no idea how, after all that she manages to wake me up with such patience.
“No mom. Not so early! Can you please let me sleep a little longer!” I say. I don’t mean to snap but I’m too drowsy to realise to my tone.
“Okay then,” I hear her say, probably a little low.
“Well done idiot,” my inner god narrows his eyes and kicks me mentally.
08:47 am
“Crap,” I was late again. Running all over my room I gather my stuff and rush out.
This is a daily routine,so I skip my breakfast. While I tie my shoes my mother hands me a lunch box.
Not again.
“Mom! I’ve grown up. I’m not a school kid. I work. I can’t carry this,what would my colleagues think. And anyway we can eat at our office cafeteria. The era has changed,” I say irritated by how frequently I’ve told her all this.
I storm off and drive off to work.
4:30 pm
Tonight is the NBA finals. New York Knicks Vs Los Angeles Lakers. I was way to excited not just because my two favorite teams were in a face off but because it was a guys-night too.
My inner god does cartwheels.
Just as I was in the threshold of the doorstep I hear my mom say “Sweetie listen,can you drop me over your aunt’s house? She called me over.”
“Now? But why? You should relax at home mom”
Just as she is about to explain something I peek at the clock behind her. Crap. I was already running late. I’ll miss the start. I cut her in mid sentence and agree to drop her instead of talking and extending time.
And my aunt’s house wasn’t far from my friend’s.
Can’t hurt.
5:30 pm
“Jay, I saw a really pretty saree last time when I was here..” my mother says.
Oh no no no no. We can’t go shopping now.
“Later mom,u have many sarees at home anyway,” I quickly say before she can ask me.
Women.
I drop her and head to my friend’s place.
7:30 pm.
It’s half time. Lakers we’re going head to head with Knicks.
And then my phone rings. It’s mom.
“…. Listen, I’m done with my work here. Can you come over and drop me home?”
But the game at such a crucial time.
“Now? No mom. I can’t. Ask aunty to drop you. She called you anyway,” I say.
It’s customary to drop someone you invited. Right?
9:00pm
I come home exhausted. The game,meet-up and driving around got me really tired. I see mommy watching tv and of course the food on the dining table. She was waiting for me as she always does no matter how many times I tell her not to. But I have to admit I did not inform her about my dinner plans with friends.
My inner god is standing and watching me with folded arms tapping a foot. Giving that ‘You-should-be-responsible-atleast-for-her‘ kind of look.
“You haven’t eaten huh mother? Why do you do this?”
“But I cooked your favourite, let’s eat together,” she says.
“Sorry ma, I already had my dinner. You eat. I’m really tired, I’d like to go sleep,” I say.
Next morning
7:45 am
I wake up to piercing sun-rays through my window. I must have forgotten to draw the blinds.
Weird. The house sounds deserted. And even mom hasn’t come to wake me up.
Is she sick?
En route to her room I see my reflection in the mirror. I see a little scratch.
Must have scratched myself in the sleep.
I start analysing it. While I look at mom in the reflection. She sleeps still.
“Ma,wake up,” I say.
No response.
“Ma,wake up,” I say this time a little higher.
What’s wrong with her?!
I go to her,she looks pale.
Did she even eat yesterday night?
I touch her and see if she’s got temperature,but she’s cold. Cold and still.
I don’t want to do it but still with trembling fingers I touch her wrist and check her pulse.
And just like that the ground slips of my feet. The world stops spinning. I’m winded. And all of a sudden I become highly aware of everything around me. I can hear the wind blow,the sweat beading on my forehead,the utter silence.
And a silly little tear escapes.
Few days later..
10:00 am
I’m late. I can literally imagine my boss blowing fire breaths.
“Good morning sir,was your journey comfortable? I’d have sent you a helicopter if not.”
Gah. I hate this human.
“Sir, I…”
“I don’t need excuses,get back to your work. Quick,” He cuts me off.
As I sit down, pieces of memory flash around my mind. The way mom made sure I got up not be late.
I miss her.
12:00 pm
I see my colleague open his lunch box. And I sit here with the cafeteria food.
I don’t think he realises how I long for what he has. Mother’s cooked food.
I miss her like hell.
I did realise that I was wrong whenever I was rude to her. I knew I acted horribly. I was just too neglectable towards her. I thought she’d always stick around and maybe one day I could apologize for all my wrongs. Never did I think this would happen.
8:00 pm
I sit all alone after coming home early. I eat my dinner all by myself. I can feel the void and mundane.
Even before I can realise it, I’m crying. I push the tears away but in vain. The flow won’t stop. And now I’m sobbing, breathless, everything around reminding me of mom just makes it worse. My throat is burning. I need to get out.
I go out. And like a vagabond I go to places until I have no energy in me either to walk or to cry.
I come back home and crash on my bed. My inner god too has blood shot eyes.
September 26, 2016
I wriggle and roll on my bed. I can feel myself sweating. My head feels very heavy. I want to open my eyes but I can’t.
What’s happening!
I want to wake up. I’m trying hard. And just like that my eyelids flutter open.
“Are you going to stay all day in your room?” I hear a familiar voice. A very familiar Voice.
Can it? Am I hallucinating?
“Are you even up yet?” the voice says again.
I spring up, practically wrestling with my sheets, fumbling my way out from my room hitting my pinky toe to the wall.
Ouch.Ouch.Ouch.
I search the house like a maniac and then in the kitchen I see the most beautiful sight.
I see my mother.
She’s washing her hands and the sunlight behind her forming a halo around her.
I stare at her like a little kid staring at stars. In wonder.
“What?” She asks. Rather confused.
I feel a huge lump forming in my throat. I gulp it down. I feel tears in my eyes.
Oh no no no no.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I nod my head and head back to my room.
So all that was a dream?A dream!!?
My inner god has woken up from his misery and starts to tap dance.
If a dream could make me feel like that, like someone stabbing you in the gut and twisting. I can realise the extent of the real situation.
How devastating it could be.
I get ready for work really quick and sit down for breakfast. My mom looks at me in I don’t know,maybe surprise.
I clear my plate.
Wow. Did my mother always cook this well?
As I start the ignition of my bike,my body takes control over my brain leading me back into my house in front of my mother. And then I hug her, practically squeeze her.
We both are surprised at this. And then I decide not to have anymore regrets in future so I tell her “I love you ma!”.
It was no big speech or no much emotional clichéd dialogues but it had such a great impact on her. I could see her smile and cry at the same time.
My inner god wears his aviators trying to cover his teary eyes in vain.
Maybe mothers are not just an oracle but the paramount themselves. Maybe they’re not just selfless but pure themselves. Maybe all the great words were invented to define mothers.
–Achilles
jayarajgedela 